After a general examination, J.D's patient Mrs. Cropper asks if she needs a pelvic exam. J.D. says it's not necessary when all she has is a cold. But Mrs. Cropper won't let him leave, and tells him to go through her hard. Meanwhile, Turk is on a testosterone overload, challenging everyone in the doctor's lounge to "remote wrestling." In reception, Kelso tells a patient that he doesn't care that he had to wait over two hours for his appointment, and asks if anyone knows how to calm down the other patients. Janitor suggests a duck pond, but Kelso immediately shoots down this idea.
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Incensed by Kelso, Janitor decides to start a tabloid newspaper with Todd, Doug and Ted titled "The Janitorial." Ted is nominated as the investigative reporter no one will ever notice is around. Back in the wards, Elliot uses the men's room, as the women's restroom is closed for cleaning, and overhears Kelso on the phone with his wife. He's telling her that Sacred Heart's Board is going to force him to retire because of his age. She realizes she has to do something to help him, but what? Knowing the TV helps lull Sam to sleep, J.D. asks Cox if they can watch "The Sound Of Music." Cox agrees but Turk says J.D. has to wrestle him for control of the remote. A photo of the guys wrestling makes the cover of The Janitorial and J.D. and Turk get poster-size copies. Cox thinks J.D. is satisfied being a wimpy role model for Sam.
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Elliot feels sorry for Kelso and offers to help, but Kelso refuses. Overhearing their conversation, Carla introduces Elliot to John, her new patient, and asks what her secret is. Elliot refuses to tell. The first issue of The Janitorial is a success, and the tri-daily needs another issue before lunch. Cox thinks the paper is stupid and accuses Janitor of printing a fake interview with him. Janitor doesn't care and brushes him off. Meanwhile, Mr. Cropper confronts J.D. about the marks on his wife's back but before he can assault him, Turk steps in as the alpha male and intimidates the man into backing down. Cox shakes his head at J.D.'s wimpy reaction to the confrontation.
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When Elliot requests tests for her patient John, Carla wrongly guesses the secret she's keeping is that she is pregnant with Kelso's baby. Meanwhile, spending some quality time on the toilet, Cox reads The Janitorial which reports that his stinging personality is actually a big front he puts on to protect his vulnerable inner core of sadness, and in fact, all he needs is a hug. Cox is tortured now as the hospital staff all want to hug him. Elsewhere, Elliot tells her patient John he has breast cancer. He refuses to tell his family or accept help from anyone. Back swimming in the alpha-male soup, J.D. wrestles with Turk and knocks him out by accident but takes credit as the tough guy for once.
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Elliot can't understand why John is rejecting anyone's help and ponders why guys don't ask for help or share things. In front of Turk and J.D., Carla reminds her about when Turk had one of his testicles removed and only told his closest friend, J.D. Turk soon lets his wife know he didn't tell J.D. -- she just did. J.D. is stunned by the news while in the background, Ted makes hasty notes for The Janitorial. Later, Turk admits he's been over-compensating since his operation. He decides the only way to settle the alpha-male battle between them is to take a "Rocky III" freeze frame of the final blow in a mock fight. They take the shot and both claim bragging rights. Elliot and Carla tell Kelso that they will rally everyone in Sacred Heart to stop the board from retiring him. Kelso doesn't seem to care.
J.D. and Turk move patients from the remodeled geriatric wing and some escape, wandering aimlessly around Sacred Heart. Carla and Elliot try to get staff support for Dr. Kelso but no one is willing to speak out. Mr. McRae, a patient of Dr Cox's for the past two years, is back with his mystery illness. J.D. and Turk tell Ted that Kelso is being forced out and in celebration of his impending freedom from his boss, Ted runs naked from the hospital and gets knocked over by Janitor's van.
Kelso takes a quiet moment outside by the wall of remembrance with student nurse Boon, while Elliot and Carla stitch up Ted's tongue. Elliot and Carla can't figure out why no one will support Kelso when deep down they know everyone loves him. Ted tries to argue to the contrary, but he can't speak. Jordan suggests Carla and Elliot confront the Board at the meeting that evening. Janitor also offers his help, as he can control people's minds with magic.
J.D. and Turk extend an olive branch to Cox after earlier trying to bait him about his lack of diagnosis. He gives them Mr. McRae's sample that needs to be taken to the lab for tests. Kelso still has Boon trapped outside listening to his rambling memoirs of forty years of medicine, while pensioners meander unattended around the hospital grounds. Elloit and Carla ask Cox to help them confront the Board, but Cox admits he can't wait to get rid of Kelso. Cox then asks J.D. and Turk about the sample they delivered for him to the lab. J.D. and Turk realize they've misplaced it and retrace their steps until they locate it sitting on a ledge in the sunlight. Remarkably, it has turned purple.
J.D. Googles "purple pee" and learns it's a symptom of a rare genetic disorder, of which Mr. McRae has all the listed symptoms. They've solved the two-year riddle. Back in the cafeteria, Elliot and Carla again confront Cox but he isn't interested in helping. When J.D. and Turk tell him of their discovery, he can't believe they found the answer to the mystery illness.
Jordan says there's no way anyone will be able to sway Cox but J.D. has an idea. He tells Cox about leaving the sample in the sun and finding the answer on Google. Cox still won't budge on the vote for Kelso through, who is still telling stories outside. Cox and J.D. tell Mr. McRae they know the name of his condition, but there is no cure. He seems happy just to know the name of it and Cox has an epiphany: It's better the enemy you know...
Carla, Elliot, Turk, Janitor and Jordan wait outside the boardroom when J.D. arrives with Cox and a group of doctors to show their support for Kelso. The Board asks Dr. Kelso to stay on in front of everyone but now having thoughts about it, and things being on his terms again, Kelso quits and walks out. The staff wonder aloud if he ever cared about the hospital. Boon assures them he did.
