My Princess - Season 7

As Doug wheels a body bag out and J.D. pushes in a new patient on a wheelchair, Kelso tells all the staff about his new rule: anyone who doesn't go home after their twelve-hour shift will be suspended and docked one day's pay. Elsewhere, Elliot is stumped when she can't uncover what is wrong with her new patient Marion. As two interns play diagnosis Jeopardy, J.D. complains to Dr. Cox that a few months earlier Elliot tried to kiss him and now she's saying J.D. was the one trying to kiss her. Cox is a stone wall, getting up to leave before his good day gets any worse. By the time Cox gets home to Jordan and Jack, he's had a terrible day, and has to then take over parenting duties by telling his son a bedtime story.
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Cox's fairytale begins with the usual suspects lined up and dressed for the occasion. Once upon a time on the outskirts of a village called Sacred Heartily, Princess Elliot needed help with her maid Marion. The village idiot, J.D., arrives to assist, bragging of his bravery in saving a fish from drowning. The Princess explains that her Maid Marion is suffering from a monster disease. Turkala, a two headed witch, then appears, offering help. The witch tells the Princess and the idiot to meet her at the village drug store for a magic potion.

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The story continues as the idiot and the Princess ride to the village on a mule where the Dark Lord Oslek appears and warns, "Everyone who enters the forbidden forest shall disappear!" Back in the hospital, Doug stays longer than his shift and is "banished" home without pay. Elliot and J.D. ask Turk and Carla if the lab results for Marion are back. Carla has worked some magic and hands the results over â€" they are negative. Elliot still doesn't know what is wrong with Marion.

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Back in the story, Princess Elliot uses a dove to "page" her handsome Knight Percival Cox. Her savior arrives and fights the monster disease with his sword but is foiled when the witch Jordan interrupts and turns out the light. Unable to finish the story, Cox sneaks back into Jack's room to complete the adventure. The knight Cox is defeated by the monster disease, but tells the Princess and the idiot the monster can only be vanquished by a gold ring.

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In the forbidden forest the giant tells Princess Elliot and J.D. the Idiot that evil Oslek will catch them as he is near. In the hospital, J.D. and Elliot are hiding from Kelso after their shift ends, but he catches them and banishes them to his office where he threatens to suspend them. Back in the forest, the Princess and the Idiot look for the gold ring but can't find it.

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J.D. remembers the interns playing diagnosis Jeopardy. The answer to their quiz is the answer to Maid Marion's disease. The Princess and Idiot find the gold ring and race through the village to save Maid Marion. Back at Sacred Heart, J.D. examines Marion's eyes. Seeing a gold ring around her retina, he diagnoses Wilson's Disease. They are now able to treat her and all hopefully live happily ever after.

My Waste of Time - Season 7

Since Dr. Kelso quit, things have changed at Sacred Heart. Namely, Dr Cox has been made Chief of Medicine but he doesn't want to deal with all the paperwork, including signing a settlement form from a drug company whose drug Plomox has been linked to deaths in diabetic patients. Meanwhile, with Carla's blessing, Turk has decided to get a prosthetic testicle. Janitor exercises his democratic flag planting rights and claims Kelso's former office in the name of the newly formed Brain Trust, of which he has assumed leadership over fellow members Doug, Todd and Ted.
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Jordan is irate, demanding updates every fifteen minutes on her daughter's surgery, or she'll have Chief Dr. Cox exercise his new power and fire the nurse. Meanwhile Ted strides into Cox's sight, introducing himself as the new Chief's invaluable right-hand man. Inundated with paperwork, Cox tries him out, giving him the lawsuit papers to review. Elliot decides to search for an old patient to whom she prescribed Plomox a year ago, and J.D. gives her a ride so he can pick Sam up from daycare.

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To mark the first night alone since having the baby, Turk and Carla pop a bottle of bubbly, but the cork misfires, hitting Turk in the groin. While Ted is on a coffee run for Cox, Janitor stops him and tells him to be a man and show Cox who's the boss. Ted decides to make a stand and wins a small victory. After the champagne incident, Turk gets his remaining testicle examined by a doctor, who gives him a clean bill of health. Carla, however, insists Turk wear bubble wrap in his boxers to protect his groin and make sure they can have another baby. Elliot has arranged a meeting with her former patient. As she waits with J.D. he admits to her she's not as much fun as Turk. Elliot plays a practical joke on a fast food restaurant manager to prove to J.D. she's as much of a goof as Turk.

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Janitor orders the Brain Trust to do his cleaning and Ted leads a revolt, forming his own Brain Bunch. Elliot's prank backfires and the cops are called in when the manager is kidnapped from the restaurant. Waiting for his daughter's surgery to end, Cox is overwhelmed. He has to deal with Turk admitting he's not ready for another baby with Carla, Elliot being unable to find her patient, and Ted finding his fighting spirit, as well as being summoned to the board meeting... again!

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J.D. asks if Carla wants a baby so bad why is she making Turk have potentially harmful surgery to get a fake testicle and Turk admits he's the one who wants the fake swinger, not Carla. Still inundated with paperwork and chaos, Cox is finally able to escape all the harassment from Jordan when Jenny's surgery finishes.

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J.D. asks Elliot if the real reason she's hunting for her former patient is fear that her prescription might have killed him. He then tells her the Plomax didn't kill him, the guy was hit by a truck. To make up for saying she wasn't as much fun as Turk, he asks if she'd like to join him and Sam for their afternoon latte. While they play happy families, Carla and Turk make up and the Janitor's Brain Trust brings Ted back into the fold, letting him choose their business focus: a card game.

My Dumb Luck - Season 7

J.D. and Turk move patients from the remodeled geriatric wing and some escape, wandering aimlessly around Sacred Heart. Carla and Elliot try to get staff support for Dr. Kelso but no one is willing to speak out. Mr. McRae, a patient of Dr Cox's for the past two years, is back with his mystery illness. J.D. and Turk tell Ted that Kelso is being forced out and in celebration of his impending freedom from his boss, Ted runs naked from the hospital and gets knocked over by Janitor's van.
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Kelso takes a quiet moment outside by the wall of remembrance with student nurse Boon, while Elliot and Carla stitch up Ted's tongue. Elliot and Carla can't figure out why no one will support Kelso when deep down they know everyone loves him. Ted tries to argue to the contrary, but he can't speak. Jordan suggests Carla and Elliot confront the Board at the meeting that evening. Janitor also offers his help, as he can control people's minds with magic.

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J.D. and Turk extend an olive branch to Cox after earlier trying to bait him about his lack of diagnosis. He gives them Mr. McRae's sample that needs to be taken to the lab for tests. Kelso still has Boon trapped outside listening to his rambling memoirs of forty years of medicine, while pensioners meander unattended around the hospital grounds. Elloit and Carla ask Cox to help them confront the Board, but Cox admits he can't wait to get rid of Kelso. Cox then asks J.D. and Turk about the sample they delivered for him to the lab. J.D. and Turk realize they've misplaced it and retrace their steps until they locate it sitting on a ledge in the sunlight. Remarkably, it has turned purple.

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J.D. Googles "purple pee" and learns it's a symptom of a rare genetic disorder, of which Mr. McRae has all the listed symptoms. They've solved the two-year riddle. Back in the cafeteria, Elliot and Carla again confront Cox but he isn't interested in helping. When J.D. and Turk tell him of their discovery, he can't believe they found the answer to the mystery illness.

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Jordan says there's no way anyone will be able to sway Cox but J.D. has an idea. He tells Cox about leaving the sample in the sun and finding the answer on Google. Cox still won't budge on the vote for Kelso through, who is still telling stories outside. Cox and J.D. tell Mr. McRae they know the name of his condition, but there is no cure. He seems happy just to know the name of it and Cox has an epiphany: It's better the enemy you know...

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Carla, Elliot, Turk, Janitor and Jordan wait outside the boardroom when J.D. arrives with Cox and a group of doctors to show their support for Kelso. The Board asks Dr. Kelso to stay on in front of everyone but now having thoughts about it, and things being on his terms again, Kelso quits and walks out. The staff wonder aloud if he ever cared about the hospital. Boon assures them he did.

My Manhood - Season 7

After a general examination, J.D's patient Mrs. Cropper asks if she needs a pelvic exam. J.D. says it's not necessary when all she has is a cold. But Mrs. Cropper won't let him leave, and tells him to go through her hard. Meanwhile, Turk is on a testosterone overload, challenging everyone in the doctor's lounge to "remote wrestling." In reception, Kelso tells a patient that he doesn't care that he had to wait over two hours for his appointment, and asks if anyone knows how to calm down the other patients. Janitor suggests a duck pond, but Kelso immediately shoots down this idea.
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Incensed by Kelso, Janitor decides to start a tabloid newspaper with Todd, Doug and Ted titled "The Janitorial." Ted is nominated as the investigative reporter no one will ever notice is around. Back in the wards, Elliot uses the men's room, as the women's restroom is closed for cleaning, and overhears Kelso on the phone with his wife. He's telling her that Sacred Heart's Board is going to force him to retire because of his age. She realizes she has to do something to help him, but what? Knowing the TV helps lull Sam to sleep, J.D. asks Cox if they can watch "The Sound Of Music." Cox agrees but Turk says J.D. has to wrestle him for control of the remote. A photo of the guys wrestling makes the cover of The Janitorial and J.D. and Turk get poster-size copies. Cox thinks J.D. is satisfied being a wimpy role model for Sam.

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Elliot feels sorry for Kelso and offers to help, but Kelso refuses. Overhearing their conversation, Carla introduces Elliot to John, her new patient, and asks what her secret is. Elliot refuses to tell. The first issue of The Janitorial is a success, and the tri-daily needs another issue before lunch. Cox thinks the paper is stupid and accuses Janitor of printing a fake interview with him. Janitor doesn't care and brushes him off. Meanwhile, Mr. Cropper confronts J.D. about the marks on his wife's back but before he can assault him, Turk steps in as the alpha male and intimidates the man into backing down. Cox shakes his head at J.D.'s wimpy reaction to the confrontation.

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When Elliot requests tests for her patient John, Carla wrongly guesses the secret she's keeping is that she is pregnant with Kelso's baby. Meanwhile, spending some quality time on the toilet, Cox reads The Janitorial which reports that his stinging personality is actually a big front he puts on to protect his vulnerable inner core of sadness, and in fact, all he needs is a hug. Cox is tortured now as the hospital staff all want to hug him. Elsewhere, Elliot tells her patient John he has breast cancer. He refuses to tell his family or accept help from anyone. Back swimming in the alpha-male soup, J.D. wrestles with Turk and knocks him out by accident but takes credit as the tough guy for once.

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Elliot can't understand why John is rejecting anyone's help and ponders why guys don't ask for help or share things. In front of Turk and J.D., Carla reminds her about when Turk had one of his testicles removed and only told his closest friend, J.D. Turk soon lets his wife know he didn't tell J.D. -- she just did. J.D. is stunned by the news while in the background, Ted makes hasty notes for The Janitorial. Later, Turk admits he's been over-compensating since his operation. He decides the only way to settle the alpha-male battle between them is to take a "Rocky III" freeze frame of the final blow in a mock fight. They take the shot and both claim bragging rights. Elliot and Carla tell Kelso that they will rally everyone in Sacred Heart to stop the board from retiring him. Kelso doesn't seem to care.

My Bad Too - Season 7

Carla is hyperventilating at the nurse's station, telling Turk that she's missed a parents' meeting for Izzy's playgroup. In her panic, Carla proclaims their daughter will now be kicked out of playgroup, drop out of school and probably end up dating a gangbanger who will eventually shoot Turk in the face. Turk tells her she's the most amazing mother. His assurance calms her and she promises he will have good things come his way for his kind words. In the meantime, Cox delivers another one of his speeches, this time about an obese man who can't stop eating. J.D. has a moment of compassion when a high school burn victim is brought into Sacred Heart.
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Carla reminds Turk he has to get the night off work because it's the sixth anniversary of their first date. When Cox asks what his big present for Carla is, Turk lets him in on his secret; he has been taking Spanish lessons. Cox berates Turk for taking so long to learn his wife's language. J.D., on the other hand, thinks it's a good thing because they will finally be able to speak to the Mexican day laborers outside the hospital.

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Elliot asks Lloyd if being an ambulance driver is different from being a delivery driver. Lloyd replies that it's pretty much the same. J.D. runs into Elliot and gets a second opinion on whether his burn victim will be able to make his graduation that weekend. After she reminisces about her own disastrous graduation, Elliot says no. But J.D. feels for the patient, Emery, and assures him he'll make his big day.

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Elliot takes Izzy for the night so Turk and Carla can have a romantic evening alone for their anniversary. When she calls into Scared Heart with Izzy, Elliot finds out J.D. ignored her advice about the burn patient. Back in their love shack, Turk asks Carla if she'll cook his favorite meal, "brinner," a mix of breakfast and dinner. She ignores him, talking on the phone in Spanish, telling her friend she'd cook him brinner if he tidied the apartment once in his life. Turk overhears her and starts cleaning. By the time she hangs up, the apartment is spotless.

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Carla unveils lingerie beneath her gown. Turk is torn between Carla and the feast, eventually choosing the food instead of "unwrapping" his present. Turk then announces that Carla gets to pick anything from the jewelry store as her gift. Back at the hospital, Cox tells J.D. that Emery's leg is infected and he can't go to his graduation. J.D. is faced with the challenge of relaying this news without destroying the kid's spirit.

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Elliot and J.D. concoct a plan to get Emery to his graduation by having an ambulance deliver him. When Cox talks to Carla in Spanish, Turk interrupts. Carla asks how Turk understood and Cox blows Turk's cover by suggesting that Turk learned Spanish to spy on Carla. Meanwhile, back in the ambulance, Lloyd drops Emery off at his graduation. J.D. and Elliot pump him full of morphine so that he can get his diploma wearing his cap and gown over his hospital robes. Carla forgives Turk for hiding his bilingual abilities, in light of the beautiful words he said to reassure her when she missed Izzy's parents' meeting. At the hospital, Carla and Turk have fun by gossiping about everyone else in Spanish behind their backs.

My Number One Doctor - Season 7

At the nurse's station, Carla tells the Janitor that it's strange he uses a cowboy voice when discussing how "smitten" he is with his girlfriend Lady. Meanwhile, Turk and Cox tell J.D. about their contest to see how long each can stay in a room with a patient who has a smelly fungal infection. J.D. wonders why Cox and Turk compete so much since they're not even friends, and he learns that competition is a cardinal rule of being a man.
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Cox tells everyone that he signed Sacred Heart up for rateyourdoc.org, a website where patients rate their doctors. In the halls, the Janitor continues to annoy everyone by using his cowboy voice. Elliot and J.D. chat with one of Elliot's terminal patients, Shannon, who Elliot has formed a close bond with. At the same time, Cox and Turk begin a contest to get higher ratings on the website.

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Shannon tells Elliot that she purposefully overdosed to try and kill herself before she gets really sick. This goes against everything Elliot stands for and she's deeply upset. In the cafeteria, Cox, Turk, and other doctors review comments left about them on the site. J.D. stops by to rub in the fact that he's rated number one.

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Carla tells the Janitor that his relationship is a lie and won't be real until Lady knows the real, much nuttier, him. In a hall, Turk tells Cox that they can't lose to J.D., no matter what it takes; after all, winning is more important than friendship.

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Elliot and J.D. discuss Shannon's situation, and J.D. tells her she can't let her patient kill herself. Elliot thinks she can handle that and maybe it's the right thing to do. The Janitor takes Carla's words to heart and reveals his stranger side to Lady, including his penchant for stuffing animals with other animals. Carla steps in and puts a stop to it before he totally ruins his new relationship. She advises to "dole out your crazy in little pieces."

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Turk has Todd pose as J.D. to force his rating down on the website. J.D. is pissed that Turk would do this to him. When Turk asks if there's anything he can do to make it up to him, he offers to let him win at basketball while the nurses watch. Outside, Elliot says goodbye to Shannon, who thanks her for being such an amazing friend even as she heads out to follow through on her overdose plans. On a positive note, Turk comes clean about Todd and J.D. returns to being the top-rated doctor for Sacred Heart.

My Growing Pains - Season 7

J.D. wonders what his baby is thinking when Turk asks him to shoot some hoops. Carla suggests that Turk would be better off spending some quality time with his daughter. Meanwhile, Bob mentions to a board member that he has a birthday coming up. When asked how old he'll be, Bob responds, "58." Later, J.D. and Turk hang out with their babies. Both of them miss doing goofy stuff with each other.
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Turk and J.D. get the afternoon off from caring for their babies and decide to do something stupid. Cox then checks on his young patient Josh and then tells his parents that Josh has Leukemia. They tell Cox they don't want to tell him yet. By the nurses' station, Elliot announces that she's planning a party for Bob's birthday and asks for help in finding out Bob's real age.

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J.D. and Turk plan to create the world's biggest black doctor and assemble some large novelty props. When J.D. shows Cox his huge clipboard, Cox calls J.D. an overgrown 32-year-old baby. Kelso also gives Turk a similar lecture, which forces J.D. to reconsider this prank. "It's probably time for us to grow up," J.D. tells his best friend. Meanwhile, the Janitor learns that Kelso is turning 65 and Cox tells Josh - behind his parent's backs - that he has Leukemia.

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Turk insists he's not ready to grow up and tells J.D. that, "I'm bringing you back." The Janitor and Elliot then tell Kelso they know his real age and Kelso says it's none of their business. However, his age comes out when Elliot's party gets underway.

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J.D. and Cox sit down with Carla and Turk. They hash out the notion of "growing up" versus changing who you are and also talk about telling Josh about his disease. Carla thinks Cox took his childhood away by telling him. Carla insists it's important for everyone to hang onto the "kid inside." J.D. realizes that Turk is right and gets into the giant black surgeon costume. Things are not as fun in Bob's office where a board member tells him that he will be forced to retire because of his age.

My Identity - Season 7

Carla and Turk are about to get it on in a patient's room when J.D. shows up to take Turk away on a nationwide water-park tour. When Elliot arrives to kill Carla, Carla awakes from this terrible nightmare, upset that she's been dreaming in English. Meanwhile, Jordan tells Cox that she's taking their kids to her mom's for the weekend and he's thrilled to have some time alone.
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As Turk gets ready to leave for work, he worries that Carla is only speaking Spanish to Izzy; she assures him that she speaks English as well. At the hospital, Cox arranges for Jordan's car to arrive early, but she claims that he'll miss her more than she misses him.

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With Cox alone for the weekend, J.D. fantasizes that they'll perform the famous "Old Time Rock n' Roll" moment from the movie "Risky Business." J.D. then catches Turk and Carla arguing about raising their baby as both African and Latina - Carla is concerned Izzy won't know her Latin heritage.

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A new nurse named Shirley joins the team. Since she looks exactly like the dearly departed Laverne, J.D. nicknames her "Laverne-again," which she hates. The Janitor asks J.D. if he knows anyone's real name and J.D. is forced to reveal that he only knows people he works with by nicknames. At the end of the day, Cox returns home and is upset to learn that Jordan is staying at her mom's for an entire week.

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J.D. admits to the Janitor that he's in the wrong for not knowing everyone's name and bets that by the end of the day, he will learn all 310 names. If J.D. wins, the Janitor will do his own job for a day; if he loses, J.D. will do the Janitor's job for a day.

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Cox is disappointed that Turk doesn't need his help; in fact, no one seems to need his help. J.D. overhears this and soon Cox is using flash cards to help J.D. learn all the staff names. Elliot catches them and tries to get Cox to admit he doesn't like being alone. This theory seems to be true, considering that Cox is at work on his day off. Cox reluctantly says he feels like he's losing track of his identity.

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Carla tells Turk that she feels she's losing connection with her Latina heritage. Turk assures her that she's not losing her identity and will always be "a Latina with an upside-down exclamation point." J.D. and the Janitor then go through photos of all the Sacred Heart staff members and J.D. nails the test... all except for the Janitor's name, making J.D. the loser. Meanwhile, Cox messages Jordan and admits that he misses her, while Carla has her first great dream - in Spanish - in a long time.

My Inconvenient Truth - Season 7

J.D. tells Turk that Kim and Sam moved forty minutes away because Kim took a job at another hospital. To make things even worse for J.D., his brother Dan shows up. Outside, a bicycling Ted yells at the Janitor for driving a gas-guzzler. Ted makes the Janitor watch "An Inconvenient Truth," which proves to be an eye-opening experience.
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The Janitor volunteers to be Sacred Heart's environmental officer. J.D. is happy that Dan is there because it makes him seem like less of a loser... until Dan reveals that he's now flipping houses and just bought his first home.

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The Janitor pounds a carpool sign into the parking lot and gives Kelso a citation for parking in that spot without another passenger in his car. Dan tries to cheer up J.D. by presenting him with a new car. J.D. is humiliated and tries to smash out the window, adding, "You're supposed to be the loser, not me." Dan tells J.D. that he needs to grow up.

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Elliot gives results to a patient named Robin who passed out at work: she's a malnourished vegetarian who needs to gain some weight. Cox comes in and carries Elliot away to prove that she's being hypocritical with her patient since she's also underweight.

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J.D. decides not to speak with his brother, which prompts Dan to become the "constant questioner," a character who does nothing but pester J.D. with silly questions. Elliot visits her patient and tells her that they'll both gain a few pounds together as the Janitor berates Carla for not being green.

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J.D. asks Elliot and Cox if he needs to grow up. Cox lays into J.D., but J.D. doesn't like what he hears so he goes to Turk, who is using face paint to decorate himself as Harry Potter and as a basketball. Ultimately, Turk tells J.D. that he "definitely" needs to grow up. And when Ted catches the Janitor not recycling a can, he gives him a harsh lecture. Carla tells Elliot and the Janitor that they need to forgive themselves for being human.

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J.D. asks Dan if he wants to visit Kim and meet his son. They get in the car and J.D. tells Dan that he's happy for him. At the hospital, Elliot, Kelso, and others own up to their mistakes while J.D. takes care of his son at Kim's place.